Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
