Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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