I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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