just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
