***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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