I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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