i wish peter jackson would direct porn
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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