Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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