He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
