What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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