i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It was confusing and full of hummus
you win again, gameday.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
