New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
