Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
