My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize