I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
