One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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