i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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