he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
