I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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