i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
