Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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