i just wanna soil my oats bro
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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