I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
