I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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