are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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