That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
