I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
