just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize