I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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