Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize