Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
