Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
