I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize