The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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