I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
