If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
