My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
