i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize