dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
