before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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