just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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