Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
