Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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