I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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