I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
