watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
