i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
