if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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