I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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