There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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