Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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