omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
