return my video game
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
