Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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