I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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