Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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