I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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