I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
