the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
