fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
