Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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