just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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