Tell her she can't have a vagina
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize