My nipple is on Facebook.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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